He made Twin Peaks, Mullholland Dr. and Blue Velvet–save yourself some adjectives and just call him the GOAT.  But if David Lynch had any less momentum right now, he’d be stationary. Considering his body of work, this doesn’t seem possible, but consider Inland Empire (his most recent feature). Its a film determined to ride the asymptote between watchable and directionless. Maybe its esoteric. Hopefully its before it’s time…but I really doubt that. Drivel is closer to home. Next, consider Crazy Clown Time, a music video directed by Lynch, music by Lynch. Consider it right now. Peep:

Now put on your role playing cap. You’re a studio exec. You’ve got a big swingin’ dick. You’ve got comic book flicks printing you money. You’ve got slaves 3D printing you an island in Key West.   Now consider funding this man…Now consider your island… Take off your cap, ash the Cohibo, get your dick out of that poor assistants mouth and reflect on the current state of affairs: Sometimes David Lynch torches studio cheddar and I’m telling you he and needs a vehicle.

                                                     (Every Lynch needs a vehicle)

Before we get to why Lynch needs a vehicle, let’s get to the Elephant Man in the room. Some of you savvy bastards are reading this, scratching your heads, thinking about the Peaks Reboot–thinking about how that’s a vehicle. This line of reasoning is faulty on account of the Peaks reboot is not a vehicle. The Peaks Reboot is a grisly harbinger of layoffs at Showtime, its ill advised, its a desperate power play from the other premium cable channel, its a money grab by co-creator Mark Frost, and its a tragedy for David Lynch. Its a chance for him to visit Coop and Harry and the Great Northern– everyone and everything in Twin Peaks!–the town and the people who were ripped away from him, from us. Its heartbreaking. Peaks is the most influential, most important, most groundbreaking, heart-wrenching, most terrifying TV show in American history, and the reboot will suck hard. This is for upwards of a lot of reasons. I’m guessing the actors have all quit or had plastic surgery, which wont play in quiet upstate Washington.  I’m guessing Windom Earl is dead. I’m guessing Coop will have a scheduling conflict with Portlandia or Sex In The City 6. But the real reason it wont work is that Peaks is dead and canonized. Dead too soon, dead nonetheless, and canonized. All post-Peaks TV is derivative of Peaks–a reboot will be anachronistic. It’s akin to Ted Williams’ frozen head in the batters box vs. Max Scherzer. Obviously Ted Ballgame would go yard in a hurry but his damn body’s been chopped off, not to mention he’s dead.

                                                          (Is this Donna Hayword?)

The tragedy here, and the reason a reboot gained traction, is that Peaks never reached a critical mass, never collapsed into itself. The studio meddled then pulled the plug and Peaks died. It left us needing more Coop and Harry and Ben and Jerry and Leland, it left is ripe and primed, legs spread lubed up and tied to the bed, begging for Audry and Shelly and Laura Palmer to run a wholesome, metaphysical Network TV train on us. But the operative words here are: “it left us”. Peaks left us bros. There’s no window of opportunity, no event horizon to approach. Theres no salvation, no black hole for us or Matt McConaughey to jump into and save this whole mess of a situation. The plugs been pulled, the window is shut, the black hole has collapsed. Whats left is a singularity. Its the single most important TV show ever, and it’s dead and thats okay. And the reboot is not a vehicle.

So why does Lynch need a vehicle? Because of Peaks. Because Mullholland and Blue Velvet, because of the Cowboy and Frank Booth. Because he shouldn’t be doing voice acting for Seth Mcfarlane on The Cleveland Show. Because this man is so genuine, he turned down Star Wars because it wasn’t his. Because most of his formative years were spent making Eraserhead. Because Lynch has heart and it spills out. Because he’s a sick fuck. Because he makes mundane terrifying. Because he’s got pathways in his brain no one else has or should have. Just think about the burden this man carries. The part of his brain that loves and cares and celebrates humanity has a highway straight to dismembered ears and bugs and Bob and Frank Booth. He deserves a vehicle but moreso he needs one–his work emanates existentially compulsive self-expression. Watching Lynch is pure voyeurism, and sometimes, we get it and it resonates, and when that happens we get the full spectrum of the human experience and it’s terrifying and sweet, grounded and ontological, and always immediate. Someone give this man some goddamn cheddar please. Studio cheddar for a shiny new vehicle. network, film, streaming, it doesn’t really matter, just get Lynch a effing vehicle.

-DickStock